I have never travelled alone.

I have never wanted to nor thought that I would have fun doing so.

I have flown back to my home country of New Zealand alone on multiple occasions yet I have gone straight to the comfort of my family and friends as soon as I have landed. I also once flew all the way to America on my own, yet as soon as I walked off the plane I had friends there to meet me. I have never gone off on my own and had a solo adventure.

Over the years I have watched in awe, as girlfriends of mine have taken off for unaccompanied adventures too far off locations and distant shores, always wishing that were me, yet never actually wanting it to be me. I have also held fast to the story that I could never travel alone and that I would never want to anyway, half the fun is always sharing the adventure with someone else, right!?

However, when my boyfriend had a sudden death in the family, and he was unable to come to New Zealand with me for our pre-planned and paid for trip so attend my sister’s wedding and then head to the Mountains to learn to snowboard, I was in a state of conflict.

I knew I could still go to the wedding on my own, that wasn’t a problem at all. It was the second half of our trip that had me worried. Was I still meant to go alone to the snow and have this experience without him?

I had wanted to give snowboarding a go for a long time. Growing up in New Zealand, we had gone to the snow a lot and I had always skied. Yet, snowboarding seemed like a fun and challenging change that I wanted to try.

I was so conflicted with what to do. Everything was booked and paid for. Hundreds of dollars had gone into this trip, could I just forgo the experience and spend my entire time in New Zealand with my family and friends?

It didn’t seem fair that I should miss out, yet I was scared. Going by myself seemed hard, I had a heap of negative self-talk whirling around my head telling me that I couldn’t do it, that it would be horrible on my own. Yet, there was another smaller voice under the loud scared one whispering; “but it could be an amazing adventure”.

So, I took off with the intention of seeing it through and going on my own to learn to snowboard.

 

I felt so confident on my way to New Zealand that I was going to do this thing for myself. I felt like a strong and confidant woman, for maybe the first ever in my life.

Although, it’s quite amazing how different people react differently to the same news or piece of information. When telling family and friends when I arrived, that I was going off to the snow on my lonesome I received reactions that ranged from “Oh my God, how could you go on your own, won’t you feel silly!?” to “Wow that’s awesome, you are so brave!” For every person that was excited for me there were two that thought I was crazy.

Yet, every time I told my story to someone and they didn’t think it was wise, I felt myself become more determined to go. This natural defiance I seem to have in spades was what drove me on, nobody was going to tell this confident and independent woman she couldn’t do something!

Things always seem impossible until they are done, I love the Chinese proverb: “The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.”

Take note people.

Anyway, I was off. I kept listening to that small voice telling me it was an adventure and that I had to face this. Plus it was just two nights and two days in my home country, I was pretty sure I would be safe.

As I had waited for the bus the first morning a couple were waiting with me. It was the first time I felt my heart pine for someone to be sitting next to me. Yet, as soon as that feeling crept in I pushed it out to regain the strong and independent woman façade I was now trying to embody.

I hadn’t been to the snow for almost 20 years, yet I had vivid memories of the scary drive up to the ski fields. However, the drive up was fine, it was only when I stepped off the bus at the top that all the nostalgia came rushing back.

I felt myself be taken back to the 10 year old girl who had come up to these slopes with her family and school each year and who every day had been alone. My Dad would be off up the big hills for the day, my Mum would be looking after my little sister, and I would be in a lesson for the first part of the day and then left to my own devices for the rest. I didn’t have friends at school, when I was young. Coming from a little country town meant that friendship groups were limited and I was always seen as the one that didn’t belong and wasn’t acceptable. So, I was predominantly alone.

This realisation hit me as I sat waiting for my snowboarding lesson to start. As the cold mountain air whipped at my face, the memories of skiing up and down the slopes of the beginners runs filled my head. All day, I just skied by myself, when I fell over there was no one there to help me up, there was no one beside me to congratulate me when I didn’t fall down either. It was always just me.

That’s when I realised, I could be alone. I’d been alone for my whole life. And, that’s maybe why I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wanted to go to the ski fields and have someone to share in the adventure with me. I had been on this adventure so many times alone before.

Deep down I always knew I was capable and able to go off on my own to do things by myself, it’s what I had been conditioned to do. Yet, that was the point, I didn’t WANT to be alone anymore.

Doing this solo adventure gave me the courage to face my forgotten past, to reach back inside to the strong feminine energy I had as a young girl and pull it back up into my being. It also helped me realise why I had chosen not to undertake something like this prior.

Without knowing where we have been, it’s very hard to know where we are going.

I completed my solo adventure to the snow and I learnt how to snowboard, abet not very well. I took myself out for dinner and breakfast and I sang my favourite songs in the car as I drove to and from my destination. I was strong, capable, independent, and sometimes scared shitless. But, I did it.

I’m not saying I will never travel solo again, but at least now I know why I prefer not to.

I also know that being alone will never hold me back from accomplishing any goal I have.

I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and if 10 year old me could face a big mountain on her own, then 30 year old me can take on the world. I’ve got this.

 

SA xxx